Nicki Minaj and her son

Nicki Minaj is getting candid about the ups and downs of mom life.

Speaking about how welcoming her 3-year-old son, known publicly as “Papa Bear,” changed the dynamics between her and husband Kenneth Petty in her cover story for Vogue‘s November issue, the rapper, 40, admitted, “I’m not going to lie, things got testy between us.”

“Because of our history, I think we knew we’d get past it. But there’s no such thing as confidence in parenthood,” she explained.

“I kind of wish that someone had told me—although I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to understand it—that there’s a level of anxiety, and you think it’s going to go away, but in fact it gets scarier. So often you think: I don’t know how to do this!”

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Norman Jean Roy/Vogue

Nicki Minaj on the cover of Vogue’s November issue

Related: Nicki Minaj Celebrates Her Son’s 2nd Birthday with Minions-Themed Party: ‘You’re Perfect’

“I think that deep down inside, I believed that once I had a family, I would just lose the desire to make music,” she said, ahead of embarking on a new album and a new chapter in her career. “I would always tell people, ‘Watch, when I have a child I’m going to cook every meal for him and bake cookies every day.’”

“Maybe subconsciously, I hoped my focus would just be on being a mother, and I looked forward to that idea. It felt like a relief,” she continued. “But what happens is that you find out you have to work.”

Minaj also shared a story about meeting a woman who felt guilt whether she was raising her family or pursuing a career, and how she felt that conversation was meant to happen to her.

“I was like, OMFG,” Minaj recalled. “She felt guilt when she was doing the perfect homemaker thing, and guilt as a working mom when she missed a moment in their lives. Maybe God let that lady say that to me because it made me think, ‘Well, if I’m going to have mom guilt regardless, I might as well continue doing the only thing I know how to freaking do, which is make music.'”

Nicki Minaj Instagram Nicki Minaj with husband Kenneth Petty and son Papa Bear

Later in the interview, Minaj talked about trying out a nanny for the first time and the adjustment it was allowing someone else into her parenting dynamic.

After the 3-year-old had a fall as a result of some quick-footed dance moves, Minaj was frustrated that the nanny wasn’t there to catch him. When she spoke with the nanny about it, the nanny corrected the new mom, saying kids fall all the time and it’s okay.

When she shared the story with friends, “They all looked at me thinking that I was going to be out for blood!”

“I was like, ‘Do you all think that Nicki Minaj is the same person I am with my child’s nanny?’ As a matter of fact, I didn’t say anything,” she laughed.

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